I have to admit that I have had and still have no desire to get involved in situations where biology trumps poetry. Yet, now I find myself in a situation where I desire just that. Well...actually, I think I desire biology mixed with poetry, combined with a dash of "Eyes Wide Shut" adventurism. There is a piece of nostalgia locked in my history that I want to awaken. I dream of getting this job in Japan so that I can run away into the open arms of something I know and desire. I want to bathe in the things that I know and the thoughts that I am this close to understanding.
Tonight I had beers with a wonderfully close friend and he said something that flattered and left me upset all in the same breath. After having said something that I feel was not so out of place nor out of context, he said " ahh Joe, if any other girl would have said that i would have been totally put off, but you ... you are different". Now on the one hand I am incredibly flattered with this comment, it means that I am not one of those lame ass N. W Minister girls who runs out to the Roxy to get laid, however it does imply that there is a faction of my existence that thrives on this whole "che sera" type mentality. I love to think that that is who I am but really it's not. I play it up, but really "play" is the key word for I am simply playing out a life that I want but will never live.

Here's the truth...

• I am moderately consumed with the fantasy of something that will never happen but in my boredom filled mind, it just might.
• I mask my desire to bury who I am now with a feigned supposition that I am something I am not.
• I project an air of invinsibility but come home and sulk into books of badly written poetry
• I hate the fact that I consistently trick myself into believing that this time will be different.
• there is a "what if" that I want to explore but probably never will.
  

As you may tell, I am feeling ridiculously introspective.
I am confused
I am disappointed
I am still anticipating something that deep down inside I have realized is a fantasy and it crushes me.

I am being eaten away inside.
Grrrrr.....

Cheers from a dark and introspective place
J