Like whipping a dead horse...
It's been a while...which is surprising since my life has been a full cup since last post. It's been a crazy few weeks full of big changes, big ideas, big realizations. The ups and downs have been intense but so far I have whethered the storm, remained on the train and have managed not to puke.
My birthday was last week and along with it has come some serious introspective mumbo jumbo that has left me anxious and a tad embittered.
I've been thinking a lot about my place in the world, my raison d'etre. I'm at the age where everyone starts sitting around twiddling their thumbs waiting to get married and pop out kids and live domestically ever after. Its ubiquitous among the later 20 somethings. I, however, seem to develop more and more of an aversion to the idea the older I get. It's not really a healty aversion either, it angry. My reaction is not "well, that's not for me" but is instead "why the fuck would anyone want to waste away their lives shackled to someone who wants nothing more than to mold them into someone else". Where's the anger coming from? I've been trying to figure it out. I asked myself if it was Luciano, if it was my parent's divorce, if it was when Matt died, when true love 1 left me...or true love 2. My mother looked me straight in the eye and said "it comes from inside you" meaning that I am creating all this hatred within myself. To this I have no reaction, I guess just plain acceptance...ya, maybe it does.
To me relationships are nothing more than power struggles interrupted by moments of affection or calm. Each person is trying to mold and shape the other into their ideal partner "honey don't drink so much" "wear this shirt, it looks good on you" "Change your career path" "let's not go out, I just want to snuggle on the couch" blah blah blah it's all a bunch of shit. Why don't people see how their partners are trying to manipulate them? So many people put up with it simply because they feel that they are fulfilling some kind of societal rule, "when I grow up i want to get married"
Well fuck that. Marriage is a sham, it lasts 10 years and then the spark goes out. People cheat, people resent, people get bored and eat and drink themselves into self-hatred. I won't do that. I refuse. But I'm struggling with the fact that I am going against the grain and I sometimes (although always with a tinge of nausea)question my validity as a woman and as an adult simply because I don't want to get married and I don't want to pop out kids.
However ladies and gentlemen...here is the complication. There is one person who could pull me out of all of this in a second flat. But he doesn't want to. I don't believe in soul mates, I don't believe in love forever blah blah blah but I'd be lying if I didn't say that the moment I met this person what seems like a decade ago...even though it was more like 5 years ago. I looked at him and I knew that there was a reason he walked through the door. Unfortunately I haven't figured it out but I feel for him the closest thing to love that I am capable of feeling and it hurts just as much. I think maybe I am able to love him because I am sure he will never return the favour and that in itself makes him safe. The boat can't sink if it never goes out to sea.
Sometimes I sift though my old blog posts for a dash of nostalgia...so many of them are about him. How can one person torment me for 5 straight years? The heart (the metaphorical heart that is) is an annoying organ. I wish I could harness the power of mind control. Too bad.
Whatever. If time allowed I think I'd be heading back to my ol' standby shrink for a session or two I wouldn't mind a little help unravelling all the knots. Too bad the clock is ticking. Ms. Inaka and love don't mix very well. The water is always murky and cold with me on one side of the river and him on the other...
Cheers from the sandy shores of unrequited love
J
My birthday was last week and along with it has come some serious introspective mumbo jumbo that has left me anxious and a tad embittered.
I've been thinking a lot about my place in the world, my raison d'etre. I'm at the age where everyone starts sitting around twiddling their thumbs waiting to get married and pop out kids and live domestically ever after. Its ubiquitous among the later 20 somethings. I, however, seem to develop more and more of an aversion to the idea the older I get. It's not really a healty aversion either, it angry. My reaction is not "well, that's not for me" but is instead "why the fuck would anyone want to waste away their lives shackled to someone who wants nothing more than to mold them into someone else". Where's the anger coming from? I've been trying to figure it out. I asked myself if it was Luciano, if it was my parent's divorce, if it was when Matt died, when true love 1 left me...or true love 2. My mother looked me straight in the eye and said "it comes from inside you" meaning that I am creating all this hatred within myself. To this I have no reaction, I guess just plain acceptance...ya, maybe it does.
To me relationships are nothing more than power struggles interrupted by moments of affection or calm. Each person is trying to mold and shape the other into their ideal partner "honey don't drink so much" "wear this shirt, it looks good on you" "Change your career path" "let's not go out, I just want to snuggle on the couch" blah blah blah it's all a bunch of shit. Why don't people see how their partners are trying to manipulate them? So many people put up with it simply because they feel that they are fulfilling some kind of societal rule, "when I grow up i want to get married"
Well fuck that. Marriage is a sham, it lasts 10 years and then the spark goes out. People cheat, people resent, people get bored and eat and drink themselves into self-hatred. I won't do that. I refuse. But I'm struggling with the fact that I am going against the grain and I sometimes (although always with a tinge of nausea)question my validity as a woman and as an adult simply because I don't want to get married and I don't want to pop out kids.
However ladies and gentlemen...here is the complication. There is one person who could pull me out of all of this in a second flat. But he doesn't want to. I don't believe in soul mates, I don't believe in love forever blah blah blah but I'd be lying if I didn't say that the moment I met this person what seems like a decade ago...even though it was more like 5 years ago. I looked at him and I knew that there was a reason he walked through the door. Unfortunately I haven't figured it out but I feel for him the closest thing to love that I am capable of feeling and it hurts just as much. I think maybe I am able to love him because I am sure he will never return the favour and that in itself makes him safe. The boat can't sink if it never goes out to sea.
Sometimes I sift though my old blog posts for a dash of nostalgia...so many of them are about him. How can one person torment me for 5 straight years? The heart (the metaphorical heart that is) is an annoying organ. I wish I could harness the power of mind control. Too bad.
Whatever. If time allowed I think I'd be heading back to my ol' standby shrink for a session or two I wouldn't mind a little help unravelling all the knots. Too bad the clock is ticking. Ms. Inaka and love don't mix very well. The water is always murky and cold with me on one side of the river and him on the other...
Cheers from the sandy shores of unrequited love
J
1 Comments:
hello my dear blogger. looks like we all seem to be going through the same bull shit...but, i'm now past my 20s. damn...i struggle with the whole love/marriage shit too. are we meant to be monogamous? i think the dirty secret is that most of us are not. ha! so...who is this guy you are speaking of?
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