Doing things Brasilian style

A step by step guide

As always, I am here to enlighten you as to all things culturally new and interesting. Here is your step by step guide as to how to do some regular day to day tasks with a Brasilian twist.

1) Coffee Brasilian style.

First make sure that you don´t have a coffee maker and actually have no idea what an electric coffee maker might be. Boil pot of water on stove and shovel at least 3/4 of a cup of sugar (this is for the weaklings) into the pot. If you are more hardened Brasilian coffee drinker add an additional 1/2 to 3/4 cup of sugar until you water reaches the consistency of syrup. Now place handheld coffee filter device over plastic juice jug and pour "willy wonka candy water" into filter. Yell "carramba!!" several times because the steam is burning your hand and wait for coffee to filter. Now pour "coffee" into tiny cup and drink. For additional pleasure, watch Joe´s nose crinkle and eyes water because the "coffee" is so freaking sweet that she can barely down it out of politeness. Make sure that you drink said sugary "coffee" at least 15 times a day including 10 minutes before you go to bed.

2) Cleaning house Brasilian style

Put chairs on top of kitchen table then proceed to get the garden hose. Commence in hosing down the entire house (all the floors are tile here). Get "mystery cleaner" out of old recycled 2 litre pop bottle (which can be bought in said pop bottle at local store sans lable or any other distinguishing marks) and generously glob it all over the floor. Get plastic broom and scrub floor. Hose the suds out the door. Now take large Squeegee apparatus that looks like a broom but has a squeegee end on it (the hard plastic side not the spongee side) and commence in sqeegee-ing the remaining water out the door. Then put old towel on end of sqeegee and dry the floor. ...done!

3) Driving Brasilian style

Make sure that you own a cream coloured, mechanically unsound Volkswagen beattle, preferably with several missing parts such as door handles or a working spedometer. Start driving down the street ignoring all road signs, posted speed limits, etc. Do not stop for any pedestrians, stray dogs, etc. Do make sure that you stop at stop lights and stop signs and surprisingly make sure that you wear your seatbelt at all times (they´re very good and putting their seatbelts on). If driving at night, flash your brights as you blow through every intersection. Make sure to yell a lot and honk your horn continuously for no apparent reason.

4) Eating Brasilian style

Make sure that you eat a lot and often. Deep fry whenever possible and eat sickening amounts of carbohydrates. NEVER forget the beans or the MEAT MEAT MEAT. Never eat an avocado without sugar and make sure that all salads consist of only lettuce, onions and, on special occasions, tomatoes. Make sure that all dishes you make are incredibly delicious due to their high content of things that are unhealthy for you. Make sure that dinner is served on unmatching dishes and with cutlery that all has burnt handles and bent tines on all the forks. Crystalize all dishes with salt. Die of heart attack when you are 55 (but having enjoyed every moment of your culinary life).

More to come when I learn how to do other things Brasilian style.

On a different note, I think it´s about time for my "who the hell reads this anymore" survey. If you are reading please leave your name in the comments sections. It only takes a minute and I am very curious. I have a feeling my readership has fallen since my departure from J-town.

Cheers

J