Inky cloaks are not made for Island Weather - Koh Tao Confidential Vol. 6

Greetings followers,

     Originally I planned my next post to be about my very adventurous trip to Bangkok (filled with close to 24 full hours of travelling for a glorious 36 hours in the Bangers) but there are things that currently weigh heavier on my heart; things that need to be purged and spread thin enough so that I can leave them to evaporate in the sun.



The last 2 weeks have been some of the most difficult in my recent memory. I came to Koh Tao under the impression that finally I would be putting an end to what will most likely go down in my personal history as the most difficult year of my life. I truly felt that the minute I stepped foot on the island, the heaviness of all the shit I have been through and dealt with would dissipate in the arms of the man who had held my hand and pulled me through the muck of the pain, stress and depression of the past year. Instead I was greeted with a love that carried with it a demand which was impossible for me to meet. But love that comes with conditions is not sustainable nor is it healthy. Neither is the act of peeling one's heart out of one's chest and placing it in the hands of someone else, yet, we all do it. Stupidly. Blindly. And because it is our heart, the very thing that sustains us, when we lose it we feel that we can no longer breathe. At the moment that is where I am. I am completely suffocated by loss and is completely overwhelming my life. Luckily for me, there have been two other occasions in my life where I have felt the same way and I managed to survive them both. One when I was in high school and was too naive and inexperienced to understand my own emotions, the second in my 20th when I felt I had grown up enough to understand when I had found "the one"... I can't say that one hurt more than the other, but I can say that both left me screaming for air. Now, being much older I have discovered that time does not breed immunity... instead, in me, it bred an irrational belief that I am now too "mature" to feel the wind being ripped from my lungs which of course made the reality of my heart being drop kicked that much more painful. So, now I'm stuck not only heartbroken but I also feel like a right idiot. Since Luciano (yes, that would be 7 years ago) I have spent my "romantic" energy convincing myself that love is a sham. Stupidly, I then managed to ignore my own sermon and have ended up committing the cardinal sin ... love... I know, I know, I should know better, don't remind me. 

So where does that leave me...most likely to repeat my mistakes again. One thing this whole mess has made me consider is what I want and when I want it. I have realized that there may actually be a time in my life when I want to stop and let down my guard and settle. I haven't (at least in my real "adult" life) been in a situation where I've actually had to seriously consider marriage and babies like I've had to in the last month. It's never been something that I felt I would have to consider but having gone though my recent struggle I realize that there is a part of me that says "well, a few years down the road I think it might be nice...just not now". I wish that I was going to that place with him but clearly I'm not. So what's a girl to do? I don't know...lick my wounds, spend some quality time crying into my Singha and then move to Bali to start over. Ya, that sounds like a plan. 

Ready, Set, Go

Cheers from beneath the inky cloak
J