Koh Tao Confidential Vol 3 - Welcome to the Culture Clash
Greetings faithful fans and welcome to the third installment of Princess Inaka's Koh Tao Confidential
Many people, including myself rank Thai food up there in the top echelons of gastronomical supremacy. Culinary connoisseurs say that Thai food is so delicious because it marries different and opposing flavours in just the right amounts. Never overbearing, somehow all these contrasting elements manage coexist and compliment each other in perfect harmony which is no small feat. Unfortunately for me, this seamless melding of opposing elements sometimes struggles when it comes to matters non-gastronomical. Namely, matters of the heart. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I don't date Western, in fact, since 2002 I have only managed to date one English speaking Westerner and that only lasted the 8 months I taught in Canada. I guess considering my global vagabonding nature, it's to be expected that I'm not going to be interested in a relationship which involves the predictability of a Western partner. Instead, I'm enamoured with the unknown. I want my partner to give me something that I could never find with a Westerner. I also find the simplicity of S.E Asian standards of living and material expectations refreshing. I'm not interested in being with someone who spends their time worrying about amassing material goods - hell, my entire life fits into 2 suitcases, I prefer that theirs does as well. I also find that I'd rather be with someone who finds joy in simple things - food, music, dancing on the beach, nature - rather than shmoozing in fancy bars or shopping at Ikea for new kitchen cupboards. For me, S.E Asian (and at one time Brasilian) men from humble beginnings fit the mold. Unfortunately, one cannot pick and choose cultural qualities; keeping some and trashing those which fundamentally clash with our own in the bin. It's all or nothing and as I have learned time and time again, there are certain things in the "all" category of the cross-cultural romances that consistently get in the way. These cultural obstacles have varied with each of my partners, the Japanese need to always put work before love, the Brasilian's need to show his affections through overbearing jealousy, the Thai's overbearing smothering, the Balinese spiritual overload. Time and time again I have gotten stuck at a cultural roadblock that I have not been able to navigate and have been forced either by my own hand or by my partner's to walk away. Most times this is easy since my relationships tend to be somewhat non-committal (yes, I'm bitter and jaded) but on a couple of occasions it has been heartbreaking since I've been forced to give up the 90% of perfection I've found because me or my partner can't get around that 10% culture clash.
And so this brings us to the present.
I have been with the most lovely, amazing, selfless, kind boy since well before I moved back to Canada for the transplant. He embodies so many of the qualities I look for. He's humble and simple in his desires, he is kind and selfless with his time and what little money he has and lives to help those around him and his family back in Burma. He is sensitive and loving and fiercely faithful. He isn't consumed with jealousy and understands that we can be apart and still remain together. We spoke every day I was in Canada and in so many respects he helped to recover from, and soldier through some very difficult times. We have spent the last 6 months looking forward to me moving here to Koh Tao so that we can be together and finally not have to worry about being apart until I can come down from BKK or fly back from Canada etc. Sadly, only days after moving to K.Tao I have once again found myself up against a cultural brick wall that I can't break through. It boils down to the one thing that I cannot compromise on...babies. He wants me to have his baby. For him, love cannot truly exist without a child and in his culture he is at prime baby making age (shockingly this is 24!!). I was surprised to find myself looking for a compromise with him and even told him that if we remained together and life worked itself out I wouldn't be opposed to having a child with him when the time was right (this goes against pretty much EVERY thing I have ever understood about my maternal nature but when faced with the idea that you may perhaps be with someone for a very long time it begins to feel possible). Regrettably, the "right" time for him is now...or at least within the year. I told him if I have a kid it won't be until I'm 35, a concept which he found both shocking and somewhat disgusting. 35 is far to old to be a mother. Clearly he's forgotten that I'm already charging towards 33. And so, after a year, the man I thought I might be with well into the future has chosen to love the idea of having a baby more than the idea of loving simply me.
For Westerners, we seem to understand that love can exist without a child. We do not need to create another human being in order to validate our own emotional commitment. For him, such a separation is not possible, how can we possible truly love each other if we don't have a child? In his mind, we are still the equivalent of being single until we validate our relationship with a baby. Although it is hard to get my head around, I have managed to understand and empathize with his situation. I know that his heart is just as broken as mine. He's losing what he so badly wants for his future, a family with me, and I'm losing what I so badly want for mine...a future with him...only him.
So now I find myself, a 10 minute walk but at the same time, a world away from this person I feel completely empty without. It's ironic that after all this time we are finally so close but so incredibly far away.
I still find myself hoping that he'll come around, that his friends will convince him that he can be happy with me for the time being, that in reality he isn't going to find someone who's going to have his babies in the next year on K.Tao. Unfortunately for him, if he's attracted to foreign women, he's going to find himself in this situation time and time again. So in the end I guess we both suffer from the same affliction. We find ourselves drawn to people who can never really give us what we want. Perhaps we are both self-sabotaging. I don't know. I hope this breakup will be short lived but in the end I understand that it is out of my control and the only blame either of us holds is that we want to have our cake and eat it too.
I guess I'll be sticking to a cake free diet for a while...
Cheers from the culture clash
J
Many people, including myself rank Thai food up there in the top echelons of gastronomical supremacy. Culinary connoisseurs say that Thai food is so delicious because it marries different and opposing flavours in just the right amounts. Never overbearing, somehow all these contrasting elements manage coexist and compliment each other in perfect harmony which is no small feat. Unfortunately for me, this seamless melding of opposing elements sometimes struggles when it comes to matters non-gastronomical. Namely, matters of the heart. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I don't date Western, in fact, since 2002 I have only managed to date one English speaking Westerner and that only lasted the 8 months I taught in Canada. I guess considering my global vagabonding nature, it's to be expected that I'm not going to be interested in a relationship which involves the predictability of a Western partner. Instead, I'm enamoured with the unknown. I want my partner to give me something that I could never find with a Westerner. I also find the simplicity of S.E Asian standards of living and material expectations refreshing. I'm not interested in being with someone who spends their time worrying about amassing material goods - hell, my entire life fits into 2 suitcases, I prefer that theirs does as well. I also find that I'd rather be with someone who finds joy in simple things - food, music, dancing on the beach, nature - rather than shmoozing in fancy bars or shopping at Ikea for new kitchen cupboards. For me, S.E Asian (and at one time Brasilian) men from humble beginnings fit the mold. Unfortunately, one cannot pick and choose cultural qualities; keeping some and trashing those which fundamentally clash with our own in the bin. It's all or nothing and as I have learned time and time again, there are certain things in the "all" category of the cross-cultural romances that consistently get in the way. These cultural obstacles have varied with each of my partners, the Japanese need to always put work before love, the Brasilian's need to show his affections through overbearing jealousy, the Thai's overbearing smothering, the Balinese spiritual overload. Time and time again I have gotten stuck at a cultural roadblock that I have not been able to navigate and have been forced either by my own hand or by my partner's to walk away. Most times this is easy since my relationships tend to be somewhat non-committal (yes, I'm bitter and jaded) but on a couple of occasions it has been heartbreaking since I've been forced to give up the 90% of perfection I've found because me or my partner can't get around that 10% culture clash.
 |
| Inter-culture dating is ironically similar to playing with fire, it's beautiful and amazing but far too often we get burned.... |
And so this brings us to the present.
I have been with the most lovely, amazing, selfless, kind boy since well before I moved back to Canada for the transplant. He embodies so many of the qualities I look for. He's humble and simple in his desires, he is kind and selfless with his time and what little money he has and lives to help those around him and his family back in Burma. He is sensitive and loving and fiercely faithful. He isn't consumed with jealousy and understands that we can be apart and still remain together. We spoke every day I was in Canada and in so many respects he helped to recover from, and soldier through some very difficult times. We have spent the last 6 months looking forward to me moving here to Koh Tao so that we can be together and finally not have to worry about being apart until I can come down from BKK or fly back from Canada etc. Sadly, only days after moving to K.Tao I have once again found myself up against a cultural brick wall that I can't break through. It boils down to the one thing that I cannot compromise on...babies. He wants me to have his baby. For him, love cannot truly exist without a child and in his culture he is at prime baby making age (shockingly this is 24!!). I was surprised to find myself looking for a compromise with him and even told him that if we remained together and life worked itself out I wouldn't be opposed to having a child with him when the time was right (this goes against pretty much EVERY thing I have ever understood about my maternal nature but when faced with the idea that you may perhaps be with someone for a very long time it begins to feel possible). Regrettably, the "right" time for him is now...or at least within the year. I told him if I have a kid it won't be until I'm 35, a concept which he found both shocking and somewhat disgusting. 35 is far to old to be a mother. Clearly he's forgotten that I'm already charging towards 33. And so, after a year, the man I thought I might be with well into the future has chosen to love the idea of having a baby more than the idea of loving simply me.
For Westerners, we seem to understand that love can exist without a child. We do not need to create another human being in order to validate our own emotional commitment. For him, such a separation is not possible, how can we possible truly love each other if we don't have a child? In his mind, we are still the equivalent of being single until we validate our relationship with a baby. Although it is hard to get my head around, I have managed to understand and empathize with his situation. I know that his heart is just as broken as mine. He's losing what he so badly wants for his future, a family with me, and I'm losing what I so badly want for mine...a future with him...only him.
So now I find myself, a 10 minute walk but at the same time, a world away from this person I feel completely empty without. It's ironic that after all this time we are finally so close but so incredibly far away.
I still find myself hoping that he'll come around, that his friends will convince him that he can be happy with me for the time being, that in reality he isn't going to find someone who's going to have his babies in the next year on K.Tao. Unfortunately for him, if he's attracted to foreign women, he's going to find himself in this situation time and time again. So in the end I guess we both suffer from the same affliction. We find ourselves drawn to people who can never really give us what we want. Perhaps we are both self-sabotaging. I don't know. I hope this breakup will be short lived but in the end I understand that it is out of my control and the only blame either of us holds is that we want to have our cake and eat it too.
I guess I'll be sticking to a cake free diet for a while...
Cheers from the culture clash
J
1 Comments:
What a hard thing to contemplate. I find it very ironic that he is driving you away with this desire for a baby, the very thing that would drive most young Western men away from any woman! Such a big gulf to cross for both of you though, I understand. I do hope you both find a place to love each other unconditionally; but that would be easier for him, not you. xoxo, Heidi
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