It's not you...it's me.

 ...Blink and you might have missed me, but yes, I was actually home for the holidays. As always, I returned to White Rock with more apprehension and thinly veiled discomfort than excitement and as usual, I spent my time in suburbia running from one meeting to the next and from one food infused glutton fest to the other. Due to circumstances beyond all our control, my plans changed suddenly in November and all of a sudden I was heading home for xmas. Hands tied, I was forced to make a choice:
1) spend the 1500 bucks and stay home for the entire 20 days of holidays or
2) spend the 1500 bucks and come home for the shortest amount of time I could manage while still keeping my sanity in between two 24 hour flights.


Considering the overwhelming joy I always experience while spending quality time in White Rock, I decided for option #2.  I learned my lesson last year when I came home for the entire time. After 10 days I was fatter, lazier, colder and grumpier than I was happy to admit and counting down the days, hours, minutes until I could hop on that plane back to BKK and back to the reality...well my reality that is. Ya it's a lot to pay for only a few days but it's definitely a lot to pay to stew in a chocolate and trans fat laden misery. So, short but sweet was how I decided to roll.


As I sit here in the Vancouver airport killing time until my flight leaves I have nothing better to do but to reflect on my short foray back into being a Lower Mainlander. After much airport waiting infused thought, I have come to a simple conclusion. I don't like it. Full Stop. I know I always complain about never wanting to come home and how I don't like it here and blah blah blah and I'm always getting a lot of guff from people about my clear dislike for all things related to me living back in the cradle of my birth land but the fact remains I don't like it. People can't seem to understand how I could possibly not want to live in the "best city to live in in the world" or whatever Vancouver keeps getting rated as but title or no title, the romance between me and Canada fizzled long ago. Thank goodness we are in the modern age where women aren't forced to remain with a partner they no longer love. Hallelujah I can be my own person without shame. 

So...
I'm sorry Canada... but I want a divorce. 

I know,I know...we have so many lovely memories. The home we made and furnished with memories and adventures and friends and family...but we've grown apart.  We no longer want the same things. 
Oh..don't cry my dear...seriously, it's me not you. I no longer feel free in this marriage, you suffocate me with your rules and expectations. You're too set in your ways, too happy to settle into routine. I can't explore who I am within the confines of this relationship. You box me in with your lack of flexibility, your dreary skies, your 47 day summer. My dear, we also cannot deny the fact that over the last 10 years your tastes have become more and more lavish. You're too expensive! When we first got together I could afford to keep you happy. We could go out for dinner and still have money to follow it up with a movie. We could afford to drive from place to place and buy nice clothes...but now, now all you want is to strip my wallet bare. No longer are you happy with a 5 dollar movie, now you want 12.50$! No longer are you willing to go out for a 10 dollar meal, now the appetizer costs more than our entire meal used to. How can I remain happy when you constantly require more and more. You're financial needs keep expanding but my salary remains the same. I'm a teacher for crying out loud! Canada you don't pay me enough to support you! 

As time has passed my unhappiness in this relationship has pushed me away from you. I admit I'm not perfect and yes...I have strayed numerous times. I know, it's not something I'm proud of but I needed to be sure that it wasn't just a passing phase, that I truly wanted to be with someone else. Admitedly the flings have been numerous, some long (those three years I spent with Japan) some short (Me and Brasil realized our differences quickly) and some ongoing (Thailand managed to seduced me after I swore it would never work out)  but with every new international love affair, my connection with you fades more and more.  I'm sorry Canada, it's just not going to work out.

Yes, I know it's my fault...no, no don't worry you can keep everything if you want. I know you're entitled to 50% but I'll let you have it all. I feel it's only fair. Keep my scarves and mittens, the bank account full of student loan debt, the free healthcare that leaves people dying in the hallways because there aren't enough doctors and beds to treat them. No, no it's ok...you can keep the HST and income tax rates as well. I have no need for them where I will be. Yes, I know they all represent our past love for each other..yes, yes, I DO appreciate the time we spent together when we were happy and in love but it's time to move on. I don't need to carry the baggage of the past with me. You can have it all my darling. Cherish it, I will not be angry if you share it with your next partner...I promise I will not be jealous.

Once again my darling Canada. We had some good times but all good things must come to an end and remember, the end of one thing is the beginning of another. I hope you find happiness in the future. I will continue to search for mine and never think that I don't look back on our time together with happiness. I do.

Love you always
J