The honeymoon is over...the marriage was short but sweet.
Today I managed to be completely underwhelmed by Japan. The cuteness did not make me giggle, the wierdness did not enrapture me. I simply felt the heavy and slightly awkward weight of "been there, done that." I will say that for now, I cannot come back to live here. I say "for now" because it was not too long ago that I stood on the street in Bangkok and said "I could NEVER live in this place"...we all know how that turned out.
I came to Japan hoping to re-experience the "place", to live the "place", to reconnect with the "place" that I admitedly had begun to miss. What I have discovered is that it was not the "place" itself that I missed but the feelings and emotions I had when I lived here. But these are not the type of emotions that are intrinsically linked to a particular place but instead I believe that they are linked to a moment, an understanding, a person, a sentimentality. The life I led when I was here no longer exists and because it has disolved so too has the intimate connection I felt with this place. In many ways Japan is exactly the same. My friends are still here and they are awesome and entertaining in every way. I have had a blast chilling with them. In those moments I am transported back. But its all the other moments that I feel an incredible grief.
My last year and a half in Japan was inseperably connected to Luciano. In many ways I moved away from Japanese culture and into the life of a Brasilian in Japan. Every stretch of road I know, restaurant I've eaten in, train station, beach and grocery store are stamped with memories of him and it is impossible for me to separate the two.
I think I came here with the expectation of feeling the same feelings I did when I lived here. But half of the equation is missing and so, I can feel no more than 50% of what I once did. The other 50% is not an empty void but is instead a painful wound that apparently has failed to heal.
At a loss for the nostalgia I came here to find I have been drawn back to the Brasilian side of Japanese life. My favorite Brasilian supermarket has been closed down, I would assume due to the ever declining customer base. But there are still a lot of Brasilian around. I stopped in a smaller Brasilian market yesterday and spent some time just absorbing the stuff on the shleves, the music the sound of the Brasilian TV shows blaring from the TV on the counter. It was blissful, calming. The sound the the "Boa Tarde" instead of an "irashaimase" was like melting butter. I bought beans...momentary bliss.
Later on in the day I met a very nice Brasilian guy at a restaurant I used to eat at all the time. He came over to me almost automatically and started to chat. He was young, he was cute and he reminded me of the intensity with which Brasilian men approach most things in life. We talked about life in Japan and Brasil. He is 30 and has been here for 10 years. He lamented to decline in the quality of life for Brasilian people here. He said "Japan is full of smiles but no happiness." I thought it was very suiting.
We also talked about Luciano. I told him that I had once lived in Brasil and that we had broken up and I had returned. He asked me why, to which I replied "it's complicated"...to which he replied almost instantaneously "Brasilian men are very jealous". I guess Luciano was the rule, not the exception. I told him that Canadian women were too strong to put up with jealousy based on nothing. He said that jealousy is their way of showing how much they love their women...funny, I think Luciano told me the exact same thing.
funny....
I invited him to the party on Saturday. I hope he comes and brings a bit of Brasilian flare. I also heard a New Zealand rugby team is coming. Gonna be messy...yes indeed.
Cheers from the culture clash
J
Today I managed to be completely underwhelmed by Japan. The cuteness did not make me giggle, the wierdness did not enrapture me. I simply felt the heavy and slightly awkward weight of "been there, done that." I will say that for now, I cannot come back to live here. I say "for now" because it was not too long ago that I stood on the street in Bangkok and said "I could NEVER live in this place"...we all know how that turned out.
I came to Japan hoping to re-experience the "place", to live the "place", to reconnect with the "place" that I admitedly had begun to miss. What I have discovered is that it was not the "place" itself that I missed but the feelings and emotions I had when I lived here. But these are not the type of emotions that are intrinsically linked to a particular place but instead I believe that they are linked to a moment, an understanding, a person, a sentimentality. The life I led when I was here no longer exists and because it has disolved so too has the intimate connection I felt with this place. In many ways Japan is exactly the same. My friends are still here and they are awesome and entertaining in every way. I have had a blast chilling with them. In those moments I am transported back. But its all the other moments that I feel an incredible grief.
My last year and a half in Japan was inseperably connected to Luciano. In many ways I moved away from Japanese culture and into the life of a Brasilian in Japan. Every stretch of road I know, restaurant I've eaten in, train station, beach and grocery store are stamped with memories of him and it is impossible for me to separate the two.
I think I came here with the expectation of feeling the same feelings I did when I lived here. But half of the equation is missing and so, I can feel no more than 50% of what I once did. The other 50% is not an empty void but is instead a painful wound that apparently has failed to heal.
At a loss for the nostalgia I came here to find I have been drawn back to the Brasilian side of Japanese life. My favorite Brasilian supermarket has been closed down, I would assume due to the ever declining customer base. But there are still a lot of Brasilian around. I stopped in a smaller Brasilian market yesterday and spent some time just absorbing the stuff on the shleves, the music the sound of the Brasilian TV shows blaring from the TV on the counter. It was blissful, calming. The sound the the "Boa Tarde" instead of an "irashaimase" was like melting butter. I bought beans...momentary bliss.
Later on in the day I met a very nice Brasilian guy at a restaurant I used to eat at all the time. He came over to me almost automatically and started to chat. He was young, he was cute and he reminded me of the intensity with which Brasilian men approach most things in life. We talked about life in Japan and Brasil. He is 30 and has been here for 10 years. He lamented to decline in the quality of life for Brasilian people here. He said "Japan is full of smiles but no happiness." I thought it was very suiting.
We also talked about Luciano. I told him that I had once lived in Brasil and that we had broken up and I had returned. He asked me why, to which I replied "it's complicated"...to which he replied almost instantaneously "Brasilian men are very jealous". I guess Luciano was the rule, not the exception. I told him that Canadian women were too strong to put up with jealousy based on nothing. He said that jealousy is their way of showing how much they love their women...funny, I think Luciano told me the exact same thing.
funny....
I invited him to the party on Saturday. I hope he comes and brings a bit of Brasilian flare. I also heard a New Zealand rugby team is coming. Gonna be messy...yes indeed.
Cheers from the culture clash
J
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