Back from the dead...
I am back. The water is cold and I think I need to enter slowly.
My haitus has been mandatory but completely undesired. I only now feel comfortable getting back down to business as the princess only can.
Current state of affairs:
I am still in White Rock and still teaching at Semi. My first year as an IB teacher has not yet killed me although I feel that it has slowly drained me of the person I once was.
I have never been one for early nights and responsibility but now, after 14 hour work day after 14 hour work day I fantasize about sleep, a long bath, a book that I don't have to disect and reassemble with my students.
I am 28, I feel like I'm 40 and I'm beginnig to think that I look like it too.
I am yearning for a taste of my former self, to find a balance in this mess of chaos that has been my life for the last 6 months.
I do not function well in a world devoid of excitement, of foreign languages and foreign ideas. I am suffocating here. I know I said I would stay put for 2 years but I'm having a more and more difficult time being able to accept this. I'm only 6 months into my first year and I'm already ready to fly. I spend my time surfing the foreign job boards. I dream, I send off resumes on the slight chance that someone else might take a chance...on me.
I dream of Brasil, of the week in Montreal, of a quick shock of electricity in the pit of my stomach. I need to belong to something bigger than this. Suburban N.American life is not for me. It never will be. I don't want a husband, I don't want 2.5 kids. I want to feel foreign sand run between my fingers, to get lost in the sensory overload of a world that is beyond my comprehension. I think back on Brasil a lot. I struggled there, the reality of where I was and who I was with ended up stinging bitterly but at least I felt alive. In pain, but alive...here I am numb. There is no moments excitement here. Here I simply am and that is not for me. I do not want to simply exist. I want to be the red shoes that don't match the dress, I want to be the unexpected splash of lemon. I don't want to be tired, I want to be energized, inspired. I want to be alive.
I initially thought that I was just having a "moment" and that I would fall back into my 2 year plan. This is looking and feeling more and more unlikely. I need to keep the big picture in mind. I need to pad my resume so that in the end I will be able to escape for good. If that means staying here one more year I am going to have to make some serious adjustments in my life. What these may be remain to be seen.
On a high note, I will be heading to Thailand, Laos and Japan this summer. At least if I have to suffer out one more year in the land of over priced condo developments and designer SUVs i'll at least have some whisper of an adventure on my lips.
Cheers, rising from the ashes
J
I am back. The water is cold and I think I need to enter slowly.
My haitus has been mandatory but completely undesired. I only now feel comfortable getting back down to business as the princess only can.
Current state of affairs:
I am still in White Rock and still teaching at Semi. My first year as an IB teacher has not yet killed me although I feel that it has slowly drained me of the person I once was.
I have never been one for early nights and responsibility but now, after 14 hour work day after 14 hour work day I fantasize about sleep, a long bath, a book that I don't have to disect and reassemble with my students.
I am 28, I feel like I'm 40 and I'm beginnig to think that I look like it too.
I am yearning for a taste of my former self, to find a balance in this mess of chaos that has been my life for the last 6 months.
I do not function well in a world devoid of excitement, of foreign languages and foreign ideas. I am suffocating here. I know I said I would stay put for 2 years but I'm having a more and more difficult time being able to accept this. I'm only 6 months into my first year and I'm already ready to fly. I spend my time surfing the foreign job boards. I dream, I send off resumes on the slight chance that someone else might take a chance...on me.
I dream of Brasil, of the week in Montreal, of a quick shock of electricity in the pit of my stomach. I need to belong to something bigger than this. Suburban N.American life is not for me. It never will be. I don't want a husband, I don't want 2.5 kids. I want to feel foreign sand run between my fingers, to get lost in the sensory overload of a world that is beyond my comprehension. I think back on Brasil a lot. I struggled there, the reality of where I was and who I was with ended up stinging bitterly but at least I felt alive. In pain, but alive...here I am numb. There is no moments excitement here. Here I simply am and that is not for me. I do not want to simply exist. I want to be the red shoes that don't match the dress, I want to be the unexpected splash of lemon. I don't want to be tired, I want to be energized, inspired. I want to be alive.
I initially thought that I was just having a "moment" and that I would fall back into my 2 year plan. This is looking and feeling more and more unlikely. I need to keep the big picture in mind. I need to pad my resume so that in the end I will be able to escape for good. If that means staying here one more year I am going to have to make some serious adjustments in my life. What these may be remain to be seen.
On a high note, I will be heading to Thailand, Laos and Japan this summer. At least if I have to suffer out one more year in the land of over priced condo developments and designer SUVs i'll at least have some whisper of an adventure on my lips.
Cheers, rising from the ashes
J
2 Comments:
Yo Joe,
I feel your pain in both direct and indirect ways. I've lived abroad four separate times now, and I too have recently been looking back on those days with the kind of nostalgia that is more painful than it should be. And I'm also working longer hours than I'd prefer, in the suburbs of the town I grew up in, a situation demanded by a job that I took because I thought it would eventually help me to get away from these kinds of situations in the first place. Dues-paying and whatnot. Actually, it hasn't been acutely painful, and in fact I often wonder why I'm not enjoying myself more, but it's tough to fight the feeling that it's not what I want.
From a practical standpoint, it'd be relatively easy for me to ship off to Shanghai or wherever and do the expat life again. But I'm not sure it would really solve what's biting me. The last time I was abroad I found that I was just as bored and lonely as I was in LA and in grad school. The adventure buzz has faded past the point where it can sustain me. It's not that I think being abroad is no longer fun, but the life question for me has gotten much broader and dicier: it's not so much about where I am and what I get to see, but about the substance and purpose of my labors, and the quality of my relationships. These are all thing that take a ton of effort to figure out and nurture, and unfortunately for me, I don't know if they can be resolved in so automatic a fashion as moving to a new place.
This is not to say your situation's the same as mine, but what you wrote was resonant and I wanted to share my thoughts. Good luck figuring it all out!
I just wanted to say that I completely understand what you are saying. I'm in the same boat-- back in the same town after having "escaped" for 4 years and just when I've wrapped my head around being here and settling down, I find myself wanting to fly away again. People ask me, "Why did you come back here??!" I look around me and although I can appreciate some things that I took for granted, I also see so many things that I make me want to leave. Like you, I'm gathering skills while I'm here, but once I've achieved those skills I'm going to take myself away again. Just hang in there and tough it out.
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